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Dialogue 49​.​1

by Calvin University Dialogue

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1.
In January I felt warm The world outside me was transformed / transformed Now February’s come around And I feel as cold as the ground / as the ground So I’m left wishing I had said the words That I never spoke but wish you’d heard / I wish you’d heard But I know since I chose to turn away That you’re better off than if I’d stayed / if I stayed So long, January I’ll always reminisce in warmth Now so long, January Though you left me feeling torn The months will change and people too Perhaps I’ll become someone new / someone new But it wouldn’t make a difference now You’ve made your mind up anyhow / anyhow But I hope since the days have come to pass That you see the writing on the glass / on the glass Now this gap that I feel is stretching wide Between what I see and what’s inside / what’s inside
2.
I’ve found it’s a blessing that I could blank out Watch TV about bakeries Cause I can’t earn this, and I’ve tried to show you That I could deserve this Stable, the morning, and coffee, there’s nothing To make me into something else In me there’s a shifting, cause your worth impressing And I forgot how to act myself When my brain re-circuits and my skin cells shed You’ll think I’m the same person …But my head’s different Stable, the morning, and coffee, there’s nothing To make me into something else In me there’s a shifting, cause your worth impressing And I forgot how to act myself Deep inspection hasn’t changed things Only brings up fears I make believe Only amplifies my OCD Wipe this hard drive clean Bring back the morning
3.
{ ...owlets... the Barred Owl, chicks, was on the ground, this morning in the marsh. and I got worried that, he shouldn't be out of the nest because he fell out of the nest once before and the nature preserve people put him back in, and I thought. he's fledged, and he's, looking awfully small and vulnerable to me and he should be put back or he's fledged and, th, the parents, want this to happen and th, the two parents were in a tree, watching but but they were making a kind of a commotion, so I was afraid. that he shouldn't be there. but he was out and they couldn't get him back so I called the preserve I called public safety who called the preserve manager and she got back to me to say It's True He's, They've Kicked Him Out Of The Nest And They're Watching But This Is His Growing Up. but isn't he sweet? ~ 'cause they expect them to learn to fly on their own—and they will continue feeding the chick even after they've kicked him out of the nest bringing him food but, the point is that he learns to, fly on his own after, he can't be in the nest anymore. But it seems irresponsible to me— I'm a much more protective mother! }
4.
lets sit here for a while until we feel like were on fire we’ll count in Chinese to three and ill try to draw the character on your arm but i can’t let it be why can’t i see from the inside out to the upside down you turn me around you got me from top to bottom from the bottom to the top and i know its getting later but we’re gonna find a way to be alone till the phone stops ringing The arrow keys shift up as you turn around my knees buckle quick I’m on a trip i can’t come down I’m by myself and ill paint some words on a fake canvas i made and we’ll start to learn why each one of us fades from the inside out to the upside down you turning me around got my feet on the ground its getting sound from the top to the bottom from the bottom to the top I’m going crazy i can’t find my mark what time is it anyway? where am i supposed to be where i am supposed to be where am i supposed to be
5.
I’m no judge But my wrath is certainly justified A condemnation of the demons by which you abide What of your wife? What of the life you shared and built? You made your bed But it’s not the one you’re sleeping in All those times you swore that you were ready for God to do what He will Well He finally came through with the check and you’re passing off the bill I’ve heard the truth Turns out it’s sicker than fiction From your side here is my predilection I never planned for my words to cut so deep But I held my tongue like a sword unsheathed To which you reply, “Job well done, you’ve hurt me.” All those times you swore that you were ready for God to do what He will Well He finally came through with the check and you’re passing off the bill
6.
The world is spinning / but I am standing motionless No one stops / to catch their breath even for a bit Just be still / and let me listen to the silence I think you are / you’re supposed to fill this absence I know it’s you Tell me why I feel I’ve turned to stone I’ve turned to stone Tell me why I feel so alone I’m so alone I’ve been fighting / this never-ending motion illness All I want now / is to remain in the stillness So just be still / and listen with me to the silence Close your eyes / and watch the pictures on your eyelids I know it’s you
7.
Meet me at Taco Bell after the show we can swap plans that'll never happen but it's always better after twelve and maybe this time they won't kick us out it's January in Berea the concrete steps are steep and they're covered in ice the heater's broken we've got our coats on in the basement it was winter then, and it's winter now
8.
9.
I fell for you faster than the train a coming Even though I knew that you’re not what I need End I wanted you faster than the horses running Though the night And so I sing for the words that I cant say And the things that I wish would go away So I write these songs for the feelings I cant show I love you, but I gotta let you go I saw the way your eyes were when I caught you looking In them I saw the signs that you wanted me And I recognized the way you looked When I was in your gaze And so I sing for the words that I cant say And the things that I wish would go away So I write these songs for the feelings I cant show I love you, but I gotta let you go And I don't want to say goodbye Don’t want to let you go, And I just want to fly But we both know… That that train’s left the station and that ship has sailed My mind stays the course but my heart has failed and I fooled myself into needing you, Did I fool you too, did I fool you too And so I sing for the words that I cant say And the things that I wish would go away So I write these songs for the feelings I cant show I love you, but I gotta let you go I love you, but I gotta let you go
10.
I haven’t seen you, haven’t seen you In a long time, are you just fine? How will it go? Cause in my mind When I arrive, after that airplane ride…. Your right there, your right there Breath in the warm air I’ll hold you tight Your right there, your right there Just like I pictured Under a spotlight A football field, no daffodils Just you and I, bright moon in the sky And I’ll tell you that I’m thankful These months were hard, an earnest truth Would you tell me, would you tell me Would you fill me in On everything, what you were thinking What you experienced It’s early morning, the roads are empty Driving home…it’s dead quiet I can’t help thinking, how we don’t have it all figured out …But it’s alright Cause you’re right here, Grand River drive, plenty of sunshine Making up for lost time You’re right here, a soundtrack next to a skyline Making up for lost time You’re right here, down Honey Creek across a boardwalk Making up for lost talk And when your not here, could I drive there? Not a Creek view, But maybe I’d see you
11.
We’re always waiting for something else To beat out what we have And I’m always waiting for someone else Better than you to come around But each Thanksgiving I crawl out to your car To push the line further out from its start Don’t ever let me complain about being lonely again ‘Cause I keep messing with your head It’s difficult to determine which is worse The way the weighted words feel empty passing through my teeth Or how they ring inside your ears and keep you from sleep Whenever I hear your name it comes in bursts Apathy and shame in equal parts Part of me hopes for change, a brand new start There’s no way to reclaim my dignity or your heart Dead ends are the roads we follow ‘Till I leave you empty and alone

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released December 5, 2016

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Calvin University Dialogue Grand Rapids, Michigan

Dialogue is an arts and writing magazine of Calvin College undergraduate creative work that is submitted, curated, and published by students. This is a catalog of original student music.

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